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"Adam and Eve Perfect the Hokey-Pokey"

Jan Gassart

Nothing is known about the painter Gassart other than he was burned at the stake for having chosen the wrong side during the great Adam and Eve Bellybutton Schism of 1525.

The painting itself is a typical Biblical motif of the kind that was so popular during the early Renaissance. In the apocryphal book of the Bible called 101 Dance Steps Self Taught there is an account of the development of popular dancing from its origins in the Garden of Eden. It seems that before Adam and Eve's fall the biggest problem with living in Paradise was the sheer boredom of it all. "You can't improve on perfection" was Eden's motto, so nothing changed very much from year to year.

One day Adam and Eve were sitting around wishing that television had been included in their rental agreement when they saw a bunch of penguins doing a primitive line dance. It looked like fun and they attempted to join in, only to be told to bug off because they had no natural sense of rhythm. Stung to the quick, they decided to invent their own dances, ones that took innate human clumsiness into account. The hokey-pokey was their first attempt.















Well, they had so much fun they started adding more verses-- the left foot, the right arm, the head, the elbows, etc. Eventually by process of elimination they came to the naughty parts. When Adam began putting his clamdigger in and out and moving it all about he and Eve suddenly realized they had tumbled onto something a lot more interesting than ballroom dancing. Eventually the animals began imitating them, and the next time God walked through the garden in the cool of the evening it looked liked a cross between Wild Kingdom and a Viagra commercial. Needless to say he was divinely annoyed and kicked everyone out of Eden so he could start over again. 

Unfortunately Steve and Bruce didn't work out any better than Adam and Eve had. In disgust God gave up and devoted His declining years to perfecting the unicorn. 


Sponsored in part by a joint grant from the Arthur and Kathryn Murray Foundation and the Masters and Johnson Institute. "Put some fun in your life — try sex!"™


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"You put your hind foot in,

You put your hind foot out;

You put your hind foot in,

And you move it all about.

You do the Hokey-Pokey,

And you turn yourself around.

That's what it's all about!"

©4004 BC, lyrics by A & E Homosapiens

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