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"Lady Allison Reacts to Her Sight-unseen Marriage 
to 'Adonis,' Whom She Met through a Blind Mating Service"
Antonio Fusilli-Bucati

Always impulsive, never learning from her mistakes, Lady Allison Raleigh, daughter of Earl Raleigh of Penbrokeshire, took a flyer on a blind dating and marriage service to escape her parents' endless carping about how all her other friends were married with babies already, and how long did she think a 23-year-old would last on the open marriage market?

Alas, the etchings and miniatures she had seen of "Lord Adonis," allegedly a member of the nobility with extensive estates in England and France were of someone else entirely, thanks to a marriage broker with cash flow problems. Curious about her new husband's nocturnal habits and appearance on the dawn after their wedding night, she surreptitiously lit a candle. Imagine her horror at discovering she had given her maidenhood not only to a cave-dwelling gnome, but to the horse he rode in on!

Fusilli-Bucati, a Depressionist of the Shattered Dreams School, assembled this painting from rumors, hearsay, back-stairs gossip, Lady Allison's devastated parents, insane asylum reports and testimony from Spelunkers Anonymous. Of the lady herself, little was known about her chthonian life aside from a note found by a coal miner addressed to her family announcing the birth of what she called "her pony boy."

Many years later, after a contested divorce in the Subterranean Courts of Law, a snow-white Gollum-like wraith was found wandering naked on her family's estate. Once her identity was discovered, she was swept off to a private asylum where she ended her days.

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